Two Week Update

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I posted about the regain. I just haven't had it in me to weigh except for, I think, once between then and today. I tried to eat better and started posting on Instagram again but that didn't last long before I was sitting here wondering if I should post a picture of the Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar I had for dinner that day. I decided against it and went silent.

I didn't fall headfirst into junk over the last two weeks, but I am still eating stuff that makes me feel bad. Part of that is probably an unhealthy response to feeling trapped and helpless over my pain and inability to do the things I want to do. But there is a part of me that says, no. I am not going to do this again. I cannot regain a hundred pounds AGAIN and I certainly can't lose 100 pounds a third time. That thought has been enough to reign in the eating *some.* I am working back into the good habits that got me to this point: making better choices, choosing smaller portions, and narrowing my eating window so that all I have most mornings is coffee with cream until noon or later when I eat an actual meal. And tonight I am having white chicken chili, which will be posted on my Instagram later.

I went to my counselor last week and talked to him about why I feel like I can't cope with all the restrictions and pain unless I am eating a lot. And he talked to me about the usual things people use to cope but how I can also use my social circle, friends, volunteer work, and church as reasons *not* to overeat. And that makes a lot of sense to me emotionally. So I have been working on making the choice to do well for those reasons... so that I can get back to being more active in those things, which, to me, is far more motivating than just wanting to fit in my clothes and not wanting to get fat.

As for physical therapy, I went for my first visit and they turned me away. They did some testing and an exam and said I was not healed enough to start PT. I was so disappointed. I have another appointment this week to see how I am doing and whether they can do anything to help me or not. If not, I'll just have to rest, heal, and wait until they say I am ready.

Weigh in today is 187 pounds, which is basically a maintain over the last 2 weeks. If I can stay around this weight through the holidays, I will call it a success. Soon, I hope, I will be healed enough to start some kind of exercise. But in the meantime, I am learning to enjoy the forced time off. Even though it's not my choice, I can choose to see it as a blessing and use the time wisely.

* This article was originally published here
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